Version One
I take my walkabouts at the optimum time of day,
always with my shadow in the lead,
following her confident pace,
one step at a time into my future.
Version Two
I walkabout at half-past two.
Toe-to-toe,
my shadow leads the way
then picks up the pace.
We two-step
then strut
then run.
We dare the future
to trip us up,
dare the sun to set.
Written for dVerse, the virtual pub for poets around the globe. Today Peter, who is from Australia, tells us that we write like a dog and should edit like a cat! He asks us to rewrite a poem we’ve previously posted. I do like the second version better. Photo from Pixabay.com
lillian the home poet 
I think the second version a lot better, and just how easy it can be by just using the noun as a verb, and that you use a precise notation of time of the day.
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Thanks, Bjorn. What I took away from this exercise is the benefit of having concrete details — concrete verbs that are not “ing” verbs: run, strut, rather than following.
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Such an interesting change between the versions. To me the ‘after’ poem feels more engaged and dynamic. I particularly liked the pacing, hurrying along. And the last line’s a cracker.
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Super! I was aiming for more energy….for the reader to move along with the words rather than to just “see” the walkabout from a distance. A wonderful prompt, Peter! So glad to have you tending the pub!
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In the first one it feels like you and your shadow are together but separate. In the second one you’re in a relationship with each other, where you embrace your shadow.
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Glad you enjoyed…..do you remember the old song “Me and My Shadow”? I’ve always been enamored with shadows! I wonder, when they’re behind us, if we’re not craning our necks to look back at them, do you suppose they do a little jig back there, an independent streak they hide from us when we are looking? 🙂
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🙂
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Oh yes, Lill, I like the second version too, especially ‘Toe-to-toe, / my shadow leads the way’ and ‘We dare the future / to trip us up, / dare the sun to set’ – the repetition of ‘dare’ is so defiant.
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Thanks, Kim. This was a fun exercise to do!
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These read like two different poems. The first is like a bland statement, the second has substance and a meaning to it.
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Bland….good word. That’s what I thought when I went back and read the first one. I wanted to add energy to the second one.
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🙂
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I adore the second version. The first one is beautiful, if not too concise. The second brings the whole picture in with a deeper meaning and imagery that floats to the reader’s mind. ❤ It’s more of personal preference, really. I love viewing the different imageries that are there in poetry to my mind’s eye. It makes me understand both the literal and symbolic meaning of the piece. Regardless, both pieces are remarkable in their own right, but merely different in impact.
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So glad you enjoyed them both, Lucy! Thank you!
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I love both the versions, Lillian! 💝 This is outstanding work 😀 I can literally feel the optimism, the defiance dancing in your verses. Shine on! 🥰
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I decided to give the second one more energy….step it up (pun intended). From your comment here, looks like I succeeded! 🙂
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I liked the first one, but I loved the second one! it just came alive, jaunting onto the stage. That concrete detailing really made a difference.
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Thank you, Sarah. When I reread the first one, I felt like it was a scene frozen in time. So I tried to add energy to the second one….Glad you caught that “jaunting” feeling!
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I really love the pace of the second one. These words just grab me: “Toe-to-toe,
my shadow leads the way
then picks up the pace.
We two-step” — such verve and energy!
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Thank you, Victoria. That’s exactly what I decided to do….add energy and life to it. Glad you enjoyed.
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Your revision brings it to life.
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Yes! I tried to make it lively….happy-go-lucky strutting….like a parade of two! :_
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I think you start with a lovely idea in the first poem but then you really bring it to life with the second: a truly successful edit!
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Thank you so much, Ingrid. Yep — I wanted to make it strut and move! 🙂
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the details you sprinkled made the first poem twirl with lilting life, Lillian. this is wonderful. and that photo! adore!
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Glad you enjoyed!
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Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
GOOD POEM—THINK YE SO—BUT I PREFER THE FIRST ONE!
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Interesting. I think the first one is more laid back….like just painting the scene…looking at it from afar. More passive. Glad you enjoyed it….more relaxing really. Second one is more frenetic….strutting.
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Different moods—different times! 😀
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The first poem told what you do. The second showed what you do. Show and tell!
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Hah! Good way to describe it!
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